Saturday 14 February 2015

Valentine's Day: It's Over Just Before It Came

Hey it's Valentine's those who have the plan to celebrate it then go on. For those who don't have the plan then or maybe just not in a position to celebrate it..perhaps best to say we are in the same boat? Somebody used to say this to me before "It's over just before it came "...Adele is indeed correct in this when she said sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead!Therefore here I am writing...

Everything I know about love and pain
I learn from you..
I thought you were my only one as you used to say
I thought you were my last as we have promised
You've showed me lurve as well as lust
You've showed me happiness as well as sadness
You gave me hope as well as rope

I wish I've built a lego house
So if there was a mistake I can just destroy and rebuild it 
But it wasn't cuz I've build a concrete house...

Thank you for the permanent scars
They are all open and bleeding
If it wasn't because of you
I wouldn't have had the plan to take away my life
But you've made me to plan for it
..and I have planned for it
..I've come too far in it
..I've tried to carry on walking
..But it's getting too heavy
..I'm just too tired to walk through it
..When the right time comes it's time to go
..It's all set up, all ready just waiting for the time
Thank you for breaking my heart into pieces
Thank you making it bleeding
Thank you for making me cry
But the most important is
Thank you for the memory that hurt me the most
....and will be forever remembered .....

Jungle Boy,
..........still not sure why does it have to be me, but somebody has to be in it and it seems to be me

Thursday 12 February 2015

Valentine's Day: Time to delete all of those memories

Well, here I am again...writing another post about what most people have experienced. It's almost Valentine's day. Well done for those who are partnered and huge congratulations to those are are married (I mean happily married LOL!). I am in the vgvLab at the moment monitoring my experiment while it's running. Spotted an error just now and quickly fixed it. I knew there must be some but I didn't expect that part.

Well...while monitoring the progress of this bloody experiment after about an hour it kind of boring (i mean really) because all I can is numbers and code I thought let me see some photos taken on my mobile in the last three or even four months. Well, you know what..those many of them. It's like every single folder there are a few photos which I really hate. Breaks my heart..almost dropped tears but hey...I need to be strong. I mean really's not the end of my life..I have lots of things to think about other than my memories.

I cried not because of the split up because the lies. Just too much lies. The more I think about it..the more I try to remember every single word and promise..the more I hurt and the more i realise, they were all bullshits. All of those things just make me sick! So I decided to delete all of those pictures...I don't've lied just so much just too many's time to move on in my point of view...this time Paloma was spot on when she said 'only love can hurt like this'...but life is too short and remember we only live here once. So make the most of it :-)

Tuesday 10 February 2015

I was careless

Hello all..hope you guys are doing well. had been really complicated in the last four or probably three months here. There were so many things happened to me which involved mix of emotions from black and blue. First of all, after what had happened recently, I don't think I can finish my phd by June though I'm still hoping I can submit my thesis to my external examiner by June.  I might finish  in September 2015 which is about 3 months later than my plan. Well, it's really is hard to say but let's see anyway.

Back to the original purpose of this post....when I had the first cut years ago it was really really hurt. James Blunt was spot on in his song when he said the first cut is the deepest. Indeed! But I've learned something which I hope could be used in my future life. Then since that I have been really careful and thought I did pretty well until last year back in September/Oct.

The book started with such a nice chapter with loads of promising happiness. Who doesn't want a happiness in life? Everyone does! Yeah...I jumped into it without thinking twice. I thought it would be my ultimate happiness and I was ready to invest everything in physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to say my brain was wise enough (not that i'm a genius LOL!) warned me and of course he did warn me several times. But you know what? I was so damn idiot for not believing my brain. Well, in all fairness, I did believe him but because I have fallen too deep trying to soar up seemed a bit too late that time. I pretended and played the clown to hide all the doubts but all of them came out eventually.

Yeah, I was broken and dumped by someone who I thought I could spend the rest of my life. It was so hard and painful. That time I insisted James Blunt was wrong in his song. No...the first cut wasn't the deepest in my case. I blamed myself for being careless. I should have learned about it I should have known all the doubts and clues. I thought I brain did shout it to me. But I was careless or maybe just stub born. I don't know....I'm still a bit blur but I know and always believe time is the best healer and the best medicine. But one thing for sure is I will always remember it. I will always keep it in mind for what I have been through. I will always remember all the pains caused. Yes i was happy...yeah...they were all just illusions. You were strong that time and i wasn't. You knew what you wanted in life and you led me according to your plan. Then you realised it wasn't that easy to bend me to fit  your plan (at least I won one section in your game).

Now...I have nothing to say..I shut of mouth made deep scars and you opened them. They are all bleeding. You can go ahead..and tell your past what you have done. Yeah tell them my unconditional love is something impossible for you. Tell them you have tried (although you didn't) but it didn't work. Tell them all the lies you used to tell me. You gave me something which i will remember for the rest of my life. I was happy but now my heart is broken....I probably will remember this for so many many years if not the rest of my life because I was so badly hurt you (not even sure why I'm still alive...maybe it happened for something better? Who knows!)

Tuesday 20 January 2015

The Coldplay Part in Lurve

First of all happy new year 2015. Yeah I know it's too late to wish. From my last post back in Oct 2014, I have been to Italy and Portugal (both for biomedical conference). In fact I've just got back! Have planned to stay in Portugal a but longer but I thought 10 days is quite a good time. Of course I thoroughly enjoyed both places but I think Italy is a better option for a holiday but Portugal is actually not far off in terms of food, cultures and architectures.I will talk about it later..probably in another post when I feel I want to talk about it.

.......LURVE is something most people have experienced. The science of Love always fail to define the coldplay part of love. Sorry doesn't mean anything in that coldplay box of love. Your tears never mean anything to some people. Separation is something like easy come easy go! Falling in love with someone could be as easy as cheese and cake...but when it comes to leaving or getting apart, the pains never come apart but always as one.

.......LURVE is something not many people realise how painful it could be until it hits you to the very end of your heart. You met people and the next day or maybe next minute of your life you never know what would happen to them. You invested emotional feeling on someone who you think you could love for the rest of your life...after a few moths you realised that it would never work. You try and try to make it work. You invested so much effort on it hoping it will work but then by the end of the day you realise it was only you working on it.

Because LURVE is like dancing a tango...and the reality is to tango it needs two people. If one doesn't work it would never work. Every night you cry and sometimes say a prayer, so someone up there would open a small hole or perhaps gives some lights. Sometimes you don't know what's the best until you've lost it. You might feel regret but some people want to move on in life. Once it's over it's a memory. But I know some people who love to live in their memories..which is fine..

LURVE is something that could be quite demanding in many aspects. Some people want an unconditional love but some people never really cares about it as long as they feel love.

Tuesday 28 October 2014

Because only love can hurt like this

Hi ya... having an afternoon break at the moment...working from Belfast and trying to do so much school work as I can. I think I've done my conference slides presentation for Italy and then today been doing my camera ready paper for Portugal (camera ready means a final version of your conference paper before it gets published)...I think I've done most of it but there are a few bits and pieces which I need to finalise and perhaps think carefully how I'm going to present it in my paper. I think some of the comments from the reviews are a bit confusing (sounds like they missed some of my points)...Anyway.....let do the actual content of this post. hurts you does not left scars physically but emotionally. Believe it or is probably the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. When you thought you got the person that you love the most and finding out that you are losing the started to think "here we go..same old story"....some people say the first cut is the deepest but some people say the last one is the killer....well i kind of agree for both of them...I certainly have experienced the first one and I think I might just on the edge of the second one.

When you are already in love with matter how hard or how difficult the obstacles are you will be always in love. At least that's what I feel at the moment anyway. I know and I needs to be showed. I couldn't agree more....lots of people can say the three magic words but not all of them can do it in reality. You know what I mean the three magic words right?

Sometimes making someone to trust you is very difficult. This is typical world..people judge other people so quickly without knowing the reality. Things happened for reasons....this is world...people judge you based on texts, letters, mails or anything without knowing or thinking "why did he/she do it". If you judge people based on texts....may I know if you judge genuinity based on texts as well? yeah..that's the problem right? Nowadays, people like to show how much they know about someone based on what they read or see instead of what they have experienced. Remember..seeing something is much easier than experiencing something. If you have experience it then you know how good or difficult it is and then you started to realise about finding other alternative.

Yes I did write about money is important than romance...oh yeah....but before you judge me based on this have you ever experience what I have been through in my life? Have you ever know anything about myself? If I ask you what life you really know what life is in practical? Or would you define life based on what you've read from books. I might be younger than you (yes you...i know you are reading my blog)..but age never defines how much experience do you have in life. Anyway...I'm not that kind of guy who likes to argue about something. I always walk away from arguments...because I know arguments never solve problems.

Remember...every person is unique and never ever judge a person based on his opinion unless you really know him/her inside out. People say something based on what they have experienced in have different view about something which are completely different than the other people. But your opinion doesn't represent the rest of yourself...or does it? It just means that you have experience something different than the rest of the other people. Oh well...enough for now....I better continue my camera ready paper :-) Ta'da :-)

Sunday 12 October 2014

I'm the one by your side

My legs are a bit tired tonight but still want to update my blog just to make it alive again. I started this blog about five or six years ago and ever since I always try to make sure this blog is stay alive.

You know when you are in a relationship right? It feels so good and everyday you feel like you always have something that you'll be looking forward. Everyday the person's name is on your head and you remember all the things that you used to do together, you feel like the person is just perfect for you and you just don't want to lose that person.

But in some cases, some people have been in relationships before the person met you. Sometimes in your conversion, the person talks about his/her past. Some of them had really good ones. I mean really good relationships. But for some reasons "it is better to leave than to hold on". There are so many reasons this happened...and one of them is death.

Okay okay some of you did not understand what I'm trying to say. Let's put it straight to the point. Dating with someone who had an amazing relationship but his/her gf/bf passed away just before they got married.

So basically, every time you are having a date with the person you always feel like you are being compared (even if the person never compared). Don't you feel that way? I do...most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I want to be better than the person's previous partner/bf/gf. But you know what..I've read a book about dating (I can't believe I was reading it) and according to that book, never compete with a ghost and the ghost will be always the winner. You will end up a loser and disappointed in the relationship.

So this kind of relationship scares me a lot... I don't expect to be better than the previous one in all aspects but I do want to be better in many aspects. Because I always have the thoughts if the the person's previous one is better than I might be forgotten easily because the ghost will be always in his mind. Eventually you might end up an uncertain relationship. What's the point of being in a relationship if your the person past is always the background and shadow in between you and him/her?

As the song says...he's gone....but he's still in your mind...he's the background of our relationship...makes me feel like i'm number one but i'm not the only one :-(

Yeah...he had a perfect heart and flawless but he's gone and i'm the one by your side....i can see in your eyes that you are not ready though you've said you are....we can't smoke without the fire i'm afraid :-(

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