Because only love can hurt like this

Hi ya... having an afternoon break at the moment...working from Belfast and trying to do so much school work as I can. I think I've done my conference slides presentation for Italy and then today been doing my camera ready paper for Portugal (camera ready means a final version of your conference paper before it gets published)...I think I've done most of it but there are a few bits and pieces which I need to finalise and perhaps think carefully how I'm going to present it in my paper. I think some of the comments from the reviews are a bit confusing (sounds like they missed some of my points)...Anyway.....let do the actual content of this post.

True...love hurts you differently...love does not left scars physically but emotionally. Believe it or not...love is probably the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. When you thought you got the person that you love the most and finding out that you are losing the person...you started to think "here we go..same old story"....some people say the first cut is the deepest but some people say the last one is the killer....well i kind of agree for both of them...I certainly have experienced the first one and I think I might just on the edge of the second one.

When you are already in love with someone..no matter how hard or how difficult the obstacles are you will be always in love. At least that's what I feel at the moment anyway. I know and I understand..trust needs to be showed. I couldn't agree more....lots of people can say the three magic words but not all of them can do it in reality. You know what I mean the three magic words right?

Sometimes making someone to trust you is very difficult. This is typical world..people judge other people so quickly without knowing the reality. Things happened for reasons....this is world...people judge you based on texts, letters, mails or anything without knowing or thinking "why did he/she do it". If you judge people based on texts....may I know if you judge genuinity based on texts as well? yeah..that's the problem right? Nowadays, people like to show how much they know about someone based on what they read or see instead of what they have experienced. Remember..seeing something is much easier than experiencing something. If you have experience it then you know how good or difficult it is and then you started to realise about finding other alternative.

Yes I did write about money is important than romance...oh yeah....but before you judge me based on this have you ever experience what I have been through in my life? Have you ever know anything about myself? If I ask you what life means..do you really know what life is in practical? Or would you define life based on what you've read from books. I might be younger than you (yes you...i know you are reading my blog)..but age never defines how much experience do you have in life. Anyway...I'm not that kind of guy who likes to argue about something. I always walk away from arguments...because I know arguments never solve problems.

Remember...every person is unique and never ever judge a person based on his opinion unless you really know him/her inside out. People say something based on what they have experienced in life...like you...you have different view about something which are completely different than the other people. But your opinion doesn't represent the rest of yourself...or does it? It just means that you have experience something different than the rest of the other people. Oh well...enough for now....I better continue my camera ready paper :-) Ta'da :-)

I'm the one by your side

My legs are a bit tired tonight but still want to update my blog just to make it alive again. I started this blog about five or six years ago and ever since I always try to make sure this blog is stay alive.

You know when you are in a relationship right? It feels so good and everyday you feel like you always have something that you'll be looking forward. Everyday the person's name is on your head and you remember all the things that you used to do together, you feel like the person is just perfect for you and you just don't want to lose that person.

But in some cases, some people have been in relationships before the person met you. Sometimes in your conversion, the person talks about his/her past. Some of them had really good ones. I mean really good relationships. But for some reasons "it is better to leave than to hold on". There are so many reasons this happened...and one of them is death.

Okay okay some of you did not understand what I'm trying to say. Let's put it straight to the point. Dating with someone who had an amazing relationship but his/her gf/bf passed away just before they got married.

So basically, every time you are having a date with the person you always feel like you are being compared (even if the person never compared). Don't you feel that way? I do...most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I want to be better than the person's previous partner/bf/gf. But you know what..I've read a book about dating (I can't believe I was reading it) and according to that book, never compete with a ghost and the ghost will be always the winner. You will end up a loser and disappointed in the relationship.

So this kind of relationship scares me a lot... I don't expect to be better than the previous one in all aspects but I do want to be better in many aspects. Because I always have the thoughts if the the person's previous one is better than I might be forgotten easily because the ghost will be always in his mind. Eventually you might end up an uncertain relationship. What's the point of being in a relationship if your the person past is always the background and shadow in between you and him/her?

As the song says...he's gone....but he's still in your mind...he's the background of our relationship...makes me feel like i'm number one but i'm not the only one :-(

Yeah...he had a perfect heart and flawless but he's gone and i'm the one by your side....i can see in your eyes that you are not ready though you've said you are....we can't smoke without the fire i'm afraid :-(

Second Best after a Ghost?

It's Saturday and I am just getting up with a slight sun shine shooting my face. It is quite cool out there but still I have to go to my lab. About a month ago I was loosing my concentration doing my PhD. I tried to focus but there were so many personal problems happening that time. I played the clown and tried to cover up all the doubts. In fact, I wanted to just stopped and pull out of the journey of my PhD despite having 7 publications after 2 years 3 months (more than half way of my PhD). It was so tiring and personal problems made it even worst than I ever thought.

Anyway..i'm writing this because of the doubts shouting and playing on my mind. In fact there were whispering into my ear saying that I am taking probably the biggest risk of my life. I have taken so many risks in the last 29 years of my life but I have never done something like this. I am in the third year of my PhD (hopefully to finish soon) and if the relationship failed to work before I finish my writing up it would be a disaster for me. This, once happened to me when I was doing my undergraduate back in Malaysia. As a result of that I got B- in most of the modules I've taken despite my aims to get B+ and A- in all modules. But that was different than the one which I'm currently working on. It's a PhD and the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Everything is over the top of my head and if I slipped my concentration I will be in trouble.

For the first time ever since I was born on this earth.....I am reading a book about a relationship..it sounds funny as I am not really into novels or some sort of books which tell me about how to do things..but this time I am in it and I am riding tying to understand where exactly I am in this situation.

Entering into a relationship and fully committing into it is a risk...a huge risk really. I don't want to be the second best or next best after a ghost. I've been reading several articles on the internet and they were all very fascinating. After reading probably 5 or 6 articles, my brain is telling me that I should be more cautions when it comes into this kind of relationship. This time is so different.....

However, my heart is telling me that love is all about patient...let it grow slowly and eventually you will see the fruits. But am I being too jealous here? or am I being just over the top? or am I being disrespectful to the one who had gone two years ago? I understand the memories you've made together. I didn't expect you to change within seconds and I didn't expect you to forget everything about what you have been through with your late partner. My heart is singing every day and he's getting excited every day but my brain keeps telling him to put a great wall in front of him. Just in case something might happen before I finished my PhD..at least I would not be crumbling though I might be crushed out and tumbling.

I have a heart...and the only heart I have is the one I'm risking at the moment. I don't want to be a filler or just to fill in a hole in your broken heart. That makes me feel like I am the medicine of your broken heart because someday the medicine might be not working anymore and eventually we have to end it. Though you said I am the number one and the only one out of 6.5 billions people in this world but I suppose the main question is are you ready? or do you want me just because you want to mend your broken heart? Show to me that you are ready in this relationship.

My eyes are telling me that your grief might not ready although your heart might be ready......I feel like I'm picking up the pieces of your past life :-(

.......because i don't think you understand the difference between "moving on" and "letting go".....if you are moving on means you are healing your broken heart..but if you are letting go means you are ready for the new chapter of your life

You've seen my tears, you've seen my heart and I have showed my scars...but I haven't seen your tears...I don't want to be the second best after a ghost. I don't want to  compete with a ghost because I've been told the ghost will be always the winner.