Sunday, 12 October 2014

I'm the one by your side

My legs are a bit tired tonight but still want to update my blog just to make it alive again. I started this blog about five or six years ago and ever since I always try to make sure this blog is stay alive.

You know when you are in a relationship right? It feels so good and everyday you feel like you always have something that you'll be looking forward. Everyday the person's name is on your head and you remember all the things that you used to do together, you feel like the person is just perfect for you and you just don't want to lose that person.

But in some cases, some people have been in relationships before the person met you. Sometimes in your conversion, the person talks about his/her past. Some of them had really good ones. I mean really good relationships. But for some reasons "it is better to leave than to hold on". There are so many reasons this happened...and one of them is death.

Okay okay some of you did not understand what I'm trying to say. Let's put it straight to the point. Dating with someone who had an amazing relationship but his/her gf/bf passed away just before they got married.

So basically, every time you are having a date with the person you always feel like you are being compared (even if the person never compared). Don't you feel that way? I do...most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I want to be better than the person's previous partner/bf/gf. But you know what..I've read a book about dating (I can't believe I was reading it) and according to that book, never compete with a ghost and the ghost will be always the winner. You will end up a loser and disappointed in the relationship.

So this kind of relationship scares me a lot... I don't expect to be better than the previous one in all aspects but I do want to be better in many aspects. Because I always have the thoughts if the the person's previous one is better than I might be forgotten easily because the ghost will be always in his mind. Eventually you might end up an uncertain relationship. What's the point of being in a relationship if your the person past is always the background and shadow in between you and him/her?

As the song says...he's gone....but he's still in your mind...he's the background of our relationship...makes me feel like i'm number one but i'm not the only one :-(

Yeah...he had a perfect heart and flawless but he's gone and i'm the one by your side....i can see in your eyes that you are not ready though you've said you are....we can't smoke without the fire i'm afraid :-(

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Second Best after a Ghost?

It's Saturday and I am just getting up with a slight sun shine shooting my face. It is quite cool out there but still I have to go to my lab. About a month ago I was loosing my concentration doing my PhD. I tried to focus but there were so many personal problems happening that time. I played the clown and tried to cover up all the doubts. In fact, I wanted to just stopped and pull out of the journey of my PhD despite having 7 publications after 2 years 3 months (more than half way of my PhD). It was so tiring and personal problems made it even worst than I ever thought.

Anyway..i'm writing this because of the doubts shouting and playing on my mind. In fact there were whispering into my ear saying that I am taking probably the biggest risk of my life. I have taken so many risks in the last 29 years of my life but I have never done something like this. I am in the third year of my PhD (hopefully to finish soon) and if the relationship failed to work before I finish my writing up it would be a disaster for me. This, once happened to me when I was doing my undergraduate back in Malaysia. As a result of that I got B- in most of the modules I've taken despite my aims to get B+ and A- in all modules. But that was different than the one which I'm currently working on. It's a PhD and the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Everything is over the top of my head and if I slipped my concentration I will be in trouble.

For the first time ever since I was born on this earth.....I am reading a book about a relationship..it sounds funny as I am not really into novels or some sort of books which tell me about how to do things..but this time I am in it and I am riding tying to understand where exactly I am in this situation.

Entering into a relationship and fully committing into it is a risk...a huge risk really. I don't want to be the second best or next best after a ghost. I've been reading several articles on the internet and they were all very fascinating. After reading probably 5 or 6 articles, my brain is telling me that I should be more cautions when it comes into this kind of relationship. This time is so different.....

However, my heart is telling me that love is all about patient...let it grow slowly and eventually you will see the fruits. But am I being too jealous here? or am I being just over the top? or am I being disrespectful to the one who had gone two years ago? I understand the memories you've made together. I didn't expect you to change within seconds and I didn't expect you to forget everything about what you have been through with your late partner. My heart is singing every day and he's getting excited every day but my brain keeps telling him to put a great wall in front of him. Just in case something might happen before I finished my PhD..at least I would not be crumbling though I might be crushed out and tumbling.

I have a heart...and the only heart I have is the one I'm risking at the moment. I don't want to be a filler or just to fill in a hole in your broken heart. That makes me feel like I am the medicine of your broken heart because someday the medicine might be not working anymore and eventually we have to end it. Though you said I am the number one and the only one out of 6.5 billions people in this world but I suppose the main question is are you ready? or do you want me just because you want to mend your broken heart? Show to me that you are ready in this relationship.

My eyes are telling me that your grief might not ready although your heart might be ready......I feel like I'm picking up the pieces of your past life :-(

.......because i don't think you understand the difference between "moving on" and "letting go".....if you are moving on means you are healing your broken heart..but if you are letting go means you are ready for the new chapter of your life

You've seen my tears, you've seen my heart and I have showed my scars...but I haven't seen your tears...I don't want to be the second best after a ghost. I don't want to  compete with a ghost because I've been told the ghost will be always the winner.

Monday, 11 August 2014

My PhD is Getting Closer to Its Completion

Back again just after a few days from my last post. Sounds very strange because I don't always have the time to post unless I am really in a good mood to write something. Nah...today's post is about how I feel the progress of my PhD. I have completed just over 2 years 2 months of my PhD and it is getting closer and based on the recent results I've got this everything seems to be getting more exciting. Oh by the way the only reason I have very little time to write this post is because I am running an experiment again and while it's running I think it wold be better to do something...and that something is updating my blog. LOL!

Earlier results I got last Saturday while I was writing this post showed that combining different methods seems to produce better results. So that's good! I did some simple operations to find whether my framework is really working or not and it seems to be working fine...what I'm doing now is just to make sure the framework is really work instead of just a fluke! I don't think I will get the results by today but I just hope that all three experiments can be completed by tomorrow morning. At the moment my prostate cancer algorithm framework has the accuracy of ~90% but again I need to verify all of them by re running all three experiments an do a thorough calculation.

It's getting closer but I'm not sure if it is closer for a completion but certainly it is one step closer. Throughout the years of my PhD nothing came easily...just before you think you are done or you got it, something will happen and somehow you could lose your way within your project. Hence, for this moment I would like to say I am a step closer but how far to go I'm not so sure. My brain is so tired...I mean doing a PhD is something that I thought I could do but I'm riding it now..faster and slower and softer and sometimes harder..how knows when I will stop but certainly I have drawn the boundary after the first year of my PhD. I can't wait to finish my PhD..it is really tiring...it's like every day is an exam :-(

But I know I am strong and I will never give up until the moment I put the round hat on my head :-)
I am here...riding it rapidly...never give me never ever....as long as I'm breathing..the word 'give up' would never appear in my head :-)

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Squeezing My Brain Before a Short Holiday

Hollaaa...back again in my little blog trying to make sure my blog is not too empty or at least something is happening :-) The moment I'm writing this post I am waiting my desktop to produce experiment results. I ran it yesterday and decided to play badminton hoped that it will just do its work and will email me the results when I got back home. Unfortunately, when reading the 357th data, something went wrong. As a result, It stopped working and produced an error which needed to be fixed. When I finished badminton and got home, I checked my email and didn't get a report from my algorithm. Then I thought there must be an error somewhere while reading one of the data. This morning, when I got the office and check MatLab, yeah I was spot on! So I had to fix a few parts of the algorithm to make it working again. But this time instead of reading it from the first data I started reading the data where it stopped  before. But I have to save all the results from 1st data till 356th data. I have about 450 data all together and I just copy and paste all of them and analyse the results combination.
This is my desk in the office..writing this post while waiting my algorithm to complete its job

Anyway, It will be very busy week in the next three weeks. I have to prepare my journey to Ireland for another conference. I am looking forward to see the place. I got the feeling that it will be fairly similar with England? Wales or Scotland? Mmmm...I'm not sure but my gut is telling me these places will be very similar. That is why I am so looking forward to see Italy instead of Ireland. Well, it would another holiday for me (if you call it a short holiday) and the most important thing is to meet up with another PhD students and hopefully will make some friends :-) . But before that, I have to do a short talk to the Department's workshop on the 20th of  August and that is in a few weeks time (less than two weeks actually). I need to arrange my flights and also hotel. Just after my conference I will be heading back to London as my friend nick is coming for a visit in the UK. I will update soon regarding to our preliminary plan on Nick's visit :-). Yeah all the way from North Borneo and I am excited to visit Paris, Belgium and Holland (of course England, Wales and Scotland as well). One of the most exciting and fun thing to do is camping (hopefully we can do this) as well as climbing mountains :-). But at the moment I have a task which I need to do by next Friday (next week) and have to report my Professor about the initial outcomes. Fingers crossed I will get some good results. But it will be very very busy...it's Saturday today and I am in the office on my own working on it and need to implement a couple of experiments.....Till now see ya....I got the results already...looks better than my latest method? Mmmmm...I will update soon...

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Accepted for Ireland and Italy!!

Hello All...after several weeks I have been silent from my blog here I am updating my blog again. Updating my blog is a pleasure for me because since I started my PhD I have been so busy and didn't have much time to update it. In fact, at one point of my PhD I almost forgot the fact that I have a blog. I have put so much effort into my PhD in the last 2 years 1 month of my PhD and I hope I can finish my study in 3 years. It's not because I don't enjoy what I'm doing but I really think it's time for me to get a job and start to think about my future especially the financial side of my life. If my parents were rich then I wouldn't mind to have another two years of my PhD by concentrating more on journal publications...

After a double rejections in my previous post, I almost  lost my motivation to do my research. In fact, I thought I must be really stupid because my two papers got rejected at the international conferences. Even more hurtful when you got some stupid comments or unhelpful feedback from the reviewers make you think weather they read your paper carefully or just simply scan your paper. But for more than two years, my experience writing paper is you will definitely get stupid comments from reviewers. Maybe this is one of the main reasons why it is important to submit into very high ranking conferences. But then the acceptance rate will be very low and if your papers keep rejected by them it can be very demotivated. As a result you feel like you don't really want to do your research and eventually lose your interest. Nah..this is very dangerous..if you loosing your interest then your performance will be slowing down and at one point if you are not resistant enough  you will stop and most probably end up with MPhil or you don't even get it. That's why all of my conference papers I submitted into average conferences (acceptance rate between 40% to 60%). High ranking conferences' acceptance rates are ranging between 10% to 30%. I just wish I had the time to do more investigation of my research so I could have better publications. I'm still aiming to submit paper into MICCAI and Medical Image Analysis journal which are the top publications in medical imaging.

Anyway...after almost a month rewriting my papers and submitted them into two conferences in Ireland and Italy, finally they got accepted. I am very happy indeed because I've invested so much time into one of the two my papers. When I got the first notification email from the conference organiser saying that my paper got accepted for an oral presentation I was over the moon and felt like.."yeah I did it and I know I can do it..". Perhaps two weeks after that I got another notification email from a conference in Italy saying that my paper got accepted for an oral presentation. It was a fantastic news of course. One more time I thought "yeah I did it again! oh yeahhhh..now i'm going to Italy". Yeah I am very happy because I'm going to Milan in Italy. I really hope that I have the chance to see Venice because people said this is probably the best spot to see the beauty of Italy. I can't wait to try their food of course especially their spaghetti!! Yesterday I have just completed final version of the papers and the conference registrations (for both of them). Today I spent most of my time surveying hotels and flight tickets to Ireland and Italy. I found a few but haven't booked yet. I should do it very soon to get the best deal even though the department will pay it. The thing is I always like to get better deals..I mean why should pay more if we can get a cheaper price?...ok..ok enough about that..it's the second day of eid mubarak (the muslim festival..not sure if I spelt it correctly) and I'm carving for all sort of different biscuits. For me..it is difficult to find pretty and delicious biscuits in the UK or at least this is true at where I live (Wales). They are plenty of puddings or cakes but not biscuits. Most of them are not hand made biscuits but machine made LOL!  They don't taste nice ..well some of them but most of them don't taste  good. I am at the moment missing Malaysian food so badly especially the food from Borneo. Really really badly...If I'm honest the food in the UK are ridiculously plain and almost tasteless..and boring because most of them were cooked in ovens or microwaved. Arghhhh..that's really bad..that's why most British don't know how to cook when it comes to using fire. I like cooking with fire but most people here are cooking with ovens or microwaves. For me that's not cooking but your just heating up your food to cook it. Cooking when there are several processes involved in it. not just simply take a chicken out from the fridge put some olive oil and black papers and put it into the oven and wait for 2 hours and...ta..da...it's cook. wow! that's magic! LOL! (this is not cooking)...

Enough about that because at the moment I am sleepy and lazy and not in a mood. Today is a bad day for me..I feel like I want to scream on top of my lung!! But I'm trying to calm down myself and nothing had happened. I think I better have a run and hopefully I feel better after :-)


Monday, 12 May 2014

The 'Joy' of Double Rejection


Hell ya! Today's entry is about the 'joy' of double rejection. I bet many of you have been rejected before or probably I should say unsuccessful rather than that nasty word. There is no joy of being rejected of course. I my previous post I talked about how was my feeling after my ICPR paper has been rejected. In fact, I said I managed to get better results. Well, it was true. But the saddest part is as soon as I posted the entry, I received an email regarding to my MIUA paper decision. I must say it was the earliest paper decision I have every received in the last two years. In all conferences I have attended or submitted a paper before, all of them extended the 'Author Notification' date to one or two days late. Initially when I open my uni email, I got an email with a header something like 'Decision paper number 49' and I thought it can't be because it was about 3 days earlier than the date posted on the conference's website. Then I slowly opened it and so scared to read the email. What I did instead is looking for any 'happy words' such as 'delightful', 'congratulations', 'pleased', etc. But you know what? I didn't find any of these words but I found the word 'regret'! Oh Shit!!! as soon as I saw this I said to myself this is another unlucky paper. Oh!!! I was really disappointed and I can feel my blood was boiling that time. I can feel my vein kicking and pumping off my red blood to my brain which caused millions of questions. For the first few minutes, it was really really hard to accept the fact that my paper has been rejected (after my ICPR paper has been rejected recently). I was so fucking upset but after half an hour my blood pressure went down. I think if I had measured my blood pressure in the first a few minutes it went up to 180/90 which is very very dangerous (I could be dead after reading the email LOL!).

I read the feedback from the reviewers. The same to ICPR, one reviewer accepted it and the other two rejected it. Next I read every single line of their comments to make sure I am wrong in some parts of my paper. I agreed with some of their comments (maybe about 20%) but the other 80% I don't think their comments are helpful. In fact, some of the comments show how naive he/she is in image processing (am I being over the top now? probably...but until you've seen this one particular comment then you understand me LOL!). Anyway, on the good side of his/her comments, he/she suggested me to do one thing which is to normalise my histograms. Initially I disagreed because histogram normalisation is implemented when we want to measure similarity between two histograms. But I persuaded my 'black heart' to just bloody do it and see how's the results. I took about 10 or 15 minutes to modify my algorithm and ran the program. After about 3 hours I got the results...ta..da...............surprisingly accuracy, sensitivity and specificity have increased 4% which makes my method produced almost 90% accuracy. But then it was only 4% and I'm still not sure how significant the increments are. But the main thing is..it is visually better to present 89% sensitivity instead of 85%.

After a long discussion with my supervisor we agreed that the reviewers did not read thoroughly my paper. They probably jumped from the first line to the third line and to the seventh line. If this is the way they did it then I would say I hope their papers will be rejected as well in other journals or conferences (wow...is this me? swearing LOL!). If my ICPR rejected paper is submitted to Portugal, my MIUA rejected paper will be submitted to Ireland. Well..well...well....what do you know? there might be reasons behind of double rejection? God knows! In a couple of weeks time I will be going to London. I hope that I can present my ICCCV paper fluently and I hope London brings some luck to me :-)......Summer is around the corner and I can wait to wear my shorts and t-shirts again. Phewwww.....I am tired I need a break either in June or July.

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