Tuesday, 20 January 2015

The Coldplay Part in Lurve

First of all happy new year 2015. Yeah I know it's too late to wish. From my last post back in Oct 2014, I have been to Italy and Portugal (both for biomedical conference). In fact I've just got back! Have planned to stay in Portugal a but longer but I thought 10 days is quite a good time. Of course I thoroughly enjoyed both places but I think Italy is a better option for a holiday but Portugal is actually not far off in terms of food, cultures and architectures.I will talk about it later..probably in another post when I feel I want to talk about it.

.......LURVE is something most people have experienced. The science of Love always fail to define the coldplay part of love. Sorry doesn't mean anything in that coldplay box of love. Your tears never mean anything to some people. Separation is something like easy come easy go! Falling in love with someone could be as easy as cheese and cake...but when it comes to leaving or getting apart, the pains never come apart but always as one.

.......LURVE is something not many people realise how painful it could be until it hits you to the very end of your heart. You met people and the next day or maybe next minute of your life you never know what would happen to them. You invested emotional feeling on someone who you think you could love for the rest of your life...after a few moths you realised that it would never work. You try and try to make it work. You invested so much effort on it hoping it will work but then by the end of the day you realise it was only you working on it.

Because LURVE is like dancing a tango...and the reality is to tango it needs two people. If one doesn't work it would never work. Every night you cry and sometimes say a prayer, so someone up there would open a small hole or perhaps gives some lights. Sometimes you don't know what's the best until you've lost it. You might feel regret but some people want to move on in life. Once it's over it's a memory. But I know some people who love to live in their memories..which is fine..

LURVE is something that could be quite demanding in many aspects. Some people want an unconditional love but some people never really cares about it as long as they feel love.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Because only love can hurt like this

Hi ya... having an afternoon break at the moment...working from Belfast and trying to do so much school work as I can. I think I've done my conference slides presentation for Italy and then today been doing my camera ready paper for Portugal (camera ready means a final version of your conference paper before it gets published)...I think I've done most of it but there are a few bits and pieces which I need to finalise and perhaps think carefully how I'm going to present it in my paper. I think some of the comments from the reviews are a bit confusing (sounds like they missed some of my points)...Anyway.....let do the actual content of this post.

True...love hurts you differently...love does not left scars physically but emotionally. Believe it or not...love is probably the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life. When you thought you got the person that you love the most and finding out that you are losing the person...you started to think "here we go..same old story"....some people say the first cut is the deepest but some people say the last one is the killer....well i kind of agree for both of them...I certainly have experienced the first one and I think I might just on the edge of the second one.

When you are already in love with someone..no matter how hard or how difficult the obstacles are you will be always in love. At least that's what I feel at the moment anyway. I know and I understand..trust needs to be showed. I couldn't agree more....lots of people can say the three magic words but not all of them can do it in reality. You know what I mean the three magic words right?

Sometimes making someone to trust you is very difficult. This is typical world..people judge other people so quickly without knowing the reality. Things happened for reasons....this is world...people judge you based on texts, letters, mails or anything without knowing or thinking "why did he/she do it". If you judge people based on texts....may I know if you judge genuinity based on texts as well? yeah..that's the problem right? Nowadays, people like to show how much they know about someone based on what they read or see instead of what they have experienced. Remember..seeing something is much easier than experiencing something. If you have experience it then you know how good or difficult it is and then you started to realise about finding other alternative.

Yes I did write about money is important than romance...oh yeah....but before you judge me based on this have you ever experience what I have been through in my life? Have you ever know anything about myself? If I ask you what life means..do you really know what life is in practical? Or would you define life based on what you've read from books. I might be younger than you (yes you...i know you are reading my blog)..but age never defines how much experience do you have in life. Anyway...I'm not that kind of guy who likes to argue about something. I always walk away from arguments...because I know arguments never solve problems.

Remember...every person is unique and never ever judge a person based on his opinion unless you really know him/her inside out. People say something based on what they have experienced in life...like you...you have different view about something which are completely different than the other people. But your opinion doesn't represent the rest of yourself...or does it? It just means that you have experience something different than the rest of the other people. Oh well...enough for now....I better continue my camera ready paper :-) Ta'da :-)

Sunday, 12 October 2014

I'm the one by your side

My legs are a bit tired tonight but still want to update my blog just to make it alive again. I started this blog about five or six years ago and ever since I always try to make sure this blog is stay alive.

You know when you are in a relationship right? It feels so good and everyday you feel like you always have something that you'll be looking forward. Everyday the person's name is on your head and you remember all the things that you used to do together, you feel like the person is just perfect for you and you just don't want to lose that person.

But in some cases, some people have been in relationships before the person met you. Sometimes in your conversion, the person talks about his/her past. Some of them had really good ones. I mean really good relationships. But for some reasons "it is better to leave than to hold on". There are so many reasons this happened...and one of them is death.

Okay okay some of you did not understand what I'm trying to say. Let's put it straight to the point. Dating with someone who had an amazing relationship but his/her gf/bf passed away just before they got married.

So basically, every time you are having a date with the person you always feel like you are being compared (even if the person never compared). Don't you feel that way? I do...most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I want to be better than the person's previous partner/bf/gf. But you know what..I've read a book about dating (I can't believe I was reading it) and according to that book, never compete with a ghost and the ghost will be always the winner. You will end up a loser and disappointed in the relationship.

So this kind of relationship scares me a lot... I don't expect to be better than the previous one in all aspects but I do want to be better in many aspects. Because I always have the thoughts if the the person's previous one is better than I might be forgotten easily because the ghost will be always in his mind. Eventually you might end up an uncertain relationship. What's the point of being in a relationship if your the person past is always the background and shadow in between you and him/her?

As the song says...he's gone....but he's still in your mind...he's the background of our relationship...makes me feel like i'm number one but i'm not the only one :-(

Yeah...he had a perfect heart and flawless but he's gone and i'm the one by your side....i can see in your eyes that you are not ready though you've said you are....we can't smoke without the fire i'm afraid :-(

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Second Best after a Ghost?

It's Saturday and I am just getting up with a slight sun shine shooting my face. It is quite cool out there but still I have to go to my lab. About a month ago I was loosing my concentration doing my PhD. I tried to focus but there were so many personal problems happening that time. I played the clown and tried to cover up all the doubts. In fact, I wanted to just stopped and pull out of the journey of my PhD despite having 7 publications after 2 years 3 months (more than half way of my PhD). It was so tiring and personal problems made it even worst than I ever thought.

Anyway..i'm writing this because of the doubts shouting and playing on my mind. In fact there were whispering into my ear saying that I am taking probably the biggest risk of my life. I have taken so many risks in the last 29 years of my life but I have never done something like this. I am in the third year of my PhD (hopefully to finish soon) and if the relationship failed to work before I finish my writing up it would be a disaster for me. This, once happened to me when I was doing my undergraduate back in Malaysia. As a result of that I got B- in most of the modules I've taken despite my aims to get B+ and A- in all modules. But that was different than the one which I'm currently working on. It's a PhD and the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Everything is over the top of my head and if I slipped my concentration I will be in trouble.

For the first time ever since I was born on this earth.....I am reading a book about a relationship..it sounds funny as I am not really into novels or some sort of books which tell me about how to do things..but this time I am in it and I am riding tying to understand where exactly I am in this situation.

Entering into a relationship and fully committing into it is a risk...a huge risk really. I don't want to be the second best or next best after a ghost. I've been reading several articles on the internet and they were all very fascinating. After reading probably 5 or 6 articles, my brain is telling me that I should be more cautions when it comes into this kind of relationship. This time is so different.....

However, my heart is telling me that love is all about patient...let it grow slowly and eventually you will see the fruits. But am I being too jealous here? or am I being just over the top? or am I being disrespectful to the one who had gone two years ago? I understand the memories you've made together. I didn't expect you to change within seconds and I didn't expect you to forget everything about what you have been through with your late partner. My heart is singing every day and he's getting excited every day but my brain keeps telling him to put a great wall in front of him. Just in case something might happen before I finished my PhD..at least I would not be crumbling though I might be crushed out and tumbling.

I have a heart...and the only heart I have is the one I'm risking at the moment. I don't want to be a filler or just to fill in a hole in your broken heart. That makes me feel like I am the medicine of your broken heart because someday the medicine might be not working anymore and eventually we have to end it. Though you said I am the number one and the only one out of 6.5 billions people in this world but I suppose the main question is are you ready? or do you want me just because you want to mend your broken heart? Show to me that you are ready in this relationship.

My eyes are telling me that your grief might not ready although your heart might be ready......I feel like I'm picking up the pieces of your past life :-(

.......because i don't think you understand the difference between "moving on" and "letting go".....if you are moving on means you are healing your broken heart..but if you are letting go means you are ready for the new chapter of your life

You've seen my tears, you've seen my heart and I have showed my scars...but I haven't seen your tears...I don't want to be the second best after a ghost. I don't want to  compete with a ghost because I've been told the ghost will be always the winner.

Monday, 11 August 2014

My PhD is Getting Closer to Its Completion

Back again just after a few days from my last post. Sounds very strange because I don't always have the time to post unless I am really in a good mood to write something. Nah...today's post is about how I feel the progress of my PhD. I have completed just over 2 years 2 months of my PhD and it is getting closer and based on the recent results I've got this everything seems to be getting more exciting. Oh by the way the only reason I have very little time to write this post is because I am running an experiment again and while it's running I think it wold be better to do something...and that something is updating my blog. LOL!

Earlier results I got last Saturday while I was writing this post showed that combining different methods seems to produce better results. So that's good! I did some simple operations to find whether my framework is really working or not and it seems to be working fine...what I'm doing now is just to make sure the framework is really work instead of just a fluke! I don't think I will get the results by today but I just hope that all three experiments can be completed by tomorrow morning. At the moment my prostate cancer algorithm framework has the accuracy of ~90% but again I need to verify all of them by re running all three experiments an do a thorough calculation.

It's getting closer but I'm not sure if it is closer for a completion but certainly it is one step closer. Throughout the years of my PhD nothing came easily...just before you think you are done or you got it, something will happen and somehow you could lose your way within your project. Hence, for this moment I would like to say I am a step closer but how far to go I'm not so sure. My brain is so tired...I mean doing a PhD is something that I thought I could do but I'm riding it now..faster and slower and softer and sometimes harder..how knows when I will stop but certainly I have drawn the boundary after the first year of my PhD. I can't wait to finish my PhD..it is really tiring...it's like every day is an exam :-(

But I know I am strong and I will never give up until the moment I put the round hat on my head :-)
I am here...riding it rapidly...never give me never ever....as long as I'm breathing..the word 'give up' would never appear in my head :-)

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Squeezing My Brain Before a Short Holiday

Hollaaa...back again in my little blog trying to make sure my blog is not too empty or at least something is happening :-) The moment I'm writing this post I am waiting my desktop to produce experiment results. I ran it yesterday and decided to play badminton hoped that it will just do its work and will email me the results when I got back home. Unfortunately, when reading the 357th data, something went wrong. As a result, It stopped working and produced an error which needed to be fixed. When I finished badminton and got home, I checked my email and didn't get a report from my algorithm. Then I thought there must be an error somewhere while reading one of the data. This morning, when I got the office and check MatLab, yeah I was spot on! So I had to fix a few parts of the algorithm to make it working again. But this time instead of reading it from the first data I started reading the data where it stopped  before. But I have to save all the results from 1st data till 356th data. I have about 450 data all together and I just copy and paste all of them and analyse the results combination.
This is my desk in the office..writing this post while waiting my algorithm to complete its job

Anyway, It will be very busy week in the next three weeks. I have to prepare my journey to Ireland for another conference. I am looking forward to see the place. I got the feeling that it will be fairly similar with England? Wales or Scotland? Mmmm...I'm not sure but my gut is telling me these places will be very similar. That is why I am so looking forward to see Italy instead of Ireland. Well, it would another holiday for me (if you call it a short holiday) and the most important thing is to meet up with another PhD students and hopefully will make some friends :-) . But before that, I have to do a short talk to the Department's workshop on the 20th of  August and that is in a few weeks time (less than two weeks actually). I need to arrange my flights and also hotel. Just after my conference I will be heading back to London as my friend nick is coming for a visit in the UK. I will update soon regarding to our preliminary plan on Nick's visit :-). Yeah all the way from North Borneo and I am excited to visit Paris, Belgium and Holland (of course England, Wales and Scotland as well). One of the most exciting and fun thing to do is camping (hopefully we can do this) as well as climbing mountains :-). But at the moment I have a task which I need to do by next Friday (next week) and have to report my Professor about the initial outcomes. Fingers crossed I will get some good results. But it will be very very busy...it's Saturday today and I am in the office on my own working on it and need to implement a couple of experiments.....Till now see ya....I got the results already...looks better than my latest method? Mmmmm...I will update soon...

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