I was careless

Hello all..hope you guys are doing well. Pheww..life had been really complicated in the last four or probably three months here. There were so many things happened to me which involved mix of emotions from black and blue. First of all, after what had happened recently, I don't think I can finish my phd by June though I'm still hoping I can submit my thesis to my external examiner by June.  I might finish  in September 2015 which is about 3 months later than my plan. Well, it's really is hard to say but let's see anyway.

Back to the original purpose of this post....when I had the first cut years ago it was really really hurt. James Blunt was spot on in his song when he said the first cut is the deepest. Indeed! But I've learned something which I hope could be used in my future life. Then since that I have been really careful and thought I did pretty well until last year back in September/Oct.

The book started with such a nice chapter with loads of promising happiness. Who doesn't want a happiness in life? Everyone does! Yeah...I jumped into it without thinking twice. I thought it would be my ultimate happiness and I was ready to invest everything in physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to say my brain was wise enough (not that i'm a genius LOL!) warned me and of course he did warn me several times. But you know what? I was so damn idiot for not believing my brain. Well, in all fairness, I did believe him but because I have fallen too deep trying to soar up seemed a bit too late that time. I pretended and played the clown to hide all the doubts but all of them came out eventually.

Yeah, I was broken and dumped by someone who I thought I could spend the rest of my life. It was so hard and painful. That time I insisted James Blunt was wrong in his song. No...the first cut wasn't the deepest in my case. I blamed myself for being careless. I should have learned about it I should have known all the doubts and clues. I thought I have..my brain did shout it to me. But I was careless or maybe just stub born. I don't know....I'm still a bit blur but I know and always believe time is the best healer and the best medicine. But one thing for sure is I will always remember it. I will always keep it in mind for what I have been through. I will always remember all the pains caused. Yes i was happy...yeah...they were all just illusions. You were strong that time and i wasn't. You knew what you wanted in life and you led me according to your plan. Then you realised it wasn't that easy to bend me to fit  your plan (at least I won one section in your game).

Now...I have nothing to say..I shut of mouth closed..you made deep scars and you opened them. They are all bleeding. You can go ahead..and tell your past what you have done. Yeah tell them my unconditional love is something impossible for you. Tell them you have tried (although you didn't) but it didn't work. Tell them all the lies you used to tell me. You gave me something which i will remember for the rest of my life. I was happy but now my heart is broken....I probably will remember this for so many many years if not the rest of my life because I was so badly hurt you (not even sure why I'm still alive...maybe it happened for something better? Who knows!)

Second Best after a Ghost?

It's Saturday and I am just getting up with a slight sun shine shooting my face. It is quite cool out there but still I have to go to my lab. About a month ago I was loosing my concentration doing my PhD. I tried to focus but there were so many personal problems happening that time. I played the clown and tried to cover up all the doubts. In fact, I wanted to just stopped and pull out of the journey of my PhD despite having 7 publications after 2 years 3 months (more than half way of my PhD). It was so tiring and personal problems made it even worst than I ever thought.

Anyway..i'm writing this because of the doubts shouting and playing on my mind. In fact there were whispering into my ear saying that I am taking probably the biggest risk of my life. I have taken so many risks in the last 29 years of my life but I have never done something like this. I am in the third year of my PhD (hopefully to finish soon) and if the relationship failed to work before I finish my writing up it would be a disaster for me. This, once happened to me when I was doing my undergraduate back in Malaysia. As a result of that I got B- in most of the modules I've taken despite my aims to get B+ and A- in all modules. But that was different than the one which I'm currently working on. It's a PhD and the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. Everything is over the top of my head and if I slipped my concentration I will be in trouble.

For the first time ever since I was born on this earth.....I am reading a book about a relationship..it sounds funny as I am not really into novels or some sort of books which tell me about how to do things..but this time I am in it and I am riding tying to understand where exactly I am in this situation.

Entering into a relationship and fully committing into it is a risk...a huge risk really. I don't want to be the second best or next best after a ghost. I've been reading several articles on the internet and they were all very fascinating. After reading probably 5 or 6 articles, my brain is telling me that I should be more cautions when it comes into this kind of relationship. This time is so different.....

However, my heart is telling me that love is all about patient...let it grow slowly and eventually you will see the fruits. But am I being too jealous here? or am I being just over the top? or am I being disrespectful to the one who had gone two years ago? I understand the memories you've made together. I didn't expect you to change within seconds and I didn't expect you to forget everything about what you have been through with your late partner. My heart is singing every day and he's getting excited every day but my brain keeps telling him to put a great wall in front of him. Just in case something might happen before I finished my PhD..at least I would not be crumbling though I might be crushed out and tumbling.

I have a heart...and the only heart I have is the one I'm risking at the moment. I don't want to be a filler or just to fill in a hole in your broken heart. That makes me feel like I am the medicine of your broken heart because someday the medicine might be not working anymore and eventually we have to end it. Though you said I am the number one and the only one out of 6.5 billions people in this world but I suppose the main question is are you ready? or do you want me just because you want to mend your broken heart? Show to me that you are ready in this relationship.

My eyes are telling me that your grief might not ready although your heart might be ready......I feel like I'm picking up the pieces of your past life :-(

.......because i don't think you understand the difference between "moving on" and "letting go".....if you are moving on means you are healing your broken heart..but if you are letting go means you are ready for the new chapter of your life

You've seen my tears, you've seen my heart and I have showed my scars...but I haven't seen your tears...I don't want to be the second best after a ghost. I don't want to  compete with a ghost because I've been told the ghost will be always the winner.

Accepted for Ireland and Italy!!

Hello All...after several weeks I have been silent from my blog here I am updating my blog again. Updating my blog is a pleasure for me because since I started my PhD I have been so busy and didn't have much time to update it. In fact, at one point of my PhD I almost forgot the fact that I have a blog. I have put so much effort into my PhD in the last 2 years 1 month of my PhD and I hope I can finish my study in 3 years. It's not because I don't enjoy what I'm doing but I really think it's time for me to get a job and start to think about my future especially the financial side of my life. If my parents were rich then I wouldn't mind to have another two years of my PhD by concentrating more on journal publications...

After a double rejections in my previous post, I almost  lost my motivation to do my research. In fact, I thought I must be really stupid because my two papers got rejected at the international conferences. Even more hurtful when you got some stupid comments or unhelpful feedback from the reviewers make you think weather they read your paper carefully or just simply scan your paper. But for more than two years, my experience writing paper is you will definitely get stupid comments from reviewers. Maybe this is one of the main reasons why it is important to submit into very high ranking conferences. But then the acceptance rate will be very low and if your papers keep rejected by them it can be very demotivated. As a result you feel like you don't really want to do your research and eventually lose your interest. Nah..this is very dangerous..if you loosing your interest then your performance will be slowing down and at one point if you are not resistant enough  you will stop and most probably end up with MPhil or you don't even get it. That's why all of my conference papers I submitted into average conferences (acceptance rate between 40% to 60%). High ranking conferences' acceptance rates are ranging between 10% to 30%. I just wish I had the time to do more investigation of my research so I could have better publications. I'm still aiming to submit paper into MICCAI and Medical Image Analysis journal which are the top publications in medical imaging.

Anyway...after almost a month rewriting my papers and submitted them into two conferences in Ireland and Italy, finally they got accepted. I am very happy indeed because I've invested so much time into one of the two my papers. When I got the first notification email from the conference organiser saying that my paper got accepted for an oral presentation I was over the moon and felt like.."yeah I did it and I know I can do it..". Perhaps two weeks after that I got another notification email from a conference in Italy saying that my paper got accepted for an oral presentation. It was a fantastic news of course. One more time I thought "yeah I did it again! oh yeahhhh..now i'm going to Italy". Yeah I am very happy because I'm going to Milan in Italy. I really hope that I have the chance to see Venice because people said this is probably the best spot to see the beauty of Italy. I can't wait to try their food of course especially their spaghetti!! Yesterday I have just completed final version of the papers and the conference registrations (for both of them). Today I spent most of my time surveying hotels and flight tickets to Ireland and Italy. I found a few but haven't booked yet. I should do it very soon to get the best deal even though the department will pay it. The thing is I always like to get better deals..I mean why should pay more if we can get a cheaper price?...ok..ok enough about that..it's the second day of eid mubarak (the muslim festival..not sure if I spelt it correctly) and I'm carving for all sort of different biscuits. For me..it is difficult to find pretty and delicious biscuits in the UK or at least this is true at where I live (Wales). They are plenty of puddings or cakes but not biscuits. Most of them are not hand made biscuits but machine made LOL!  They don't taste nice ..well some of them but most of them don't taste  good. I am at the moment missing Malaysian food so badly especially the food from Borneo. Really really badly...If I'm honest the food in the UK are ridiculously plain and almost tasteless..and boring because most of them were cooked in ovens or microwaved. Arghhhh..that's really bad..that's why most British don't know how to cook when it comes to using fire. I like cooking with fire but most people here are cooking with ovens or microwaves. For me that's not cooking but your just heating up your food to cook it. Cooking when there are several processes involved in it. not just simply take a chicken out from the fridge put some olive oil and black papers and put it into the oven and wait for 2 hours and...ta..da...it's cook. wow! that's magic! LOL! (this is not cooking)...

Enough about that because at the moment I am sleepy and lazy and not in a mood. Today is a bad day for me..I feel like I want to scream on top of my lung!! But I'm trying to calm down myself and nothing had happened. I think I better have a run and hopefully I feel better after :-)

Lunch time with my sister and her family

Together with sister, nieces, nephews and brother in law

Our delicious lunch! yummy

It was last year when we were visiting my sister who was in Kota Marudu North Sabah. We were bored at home eating the same sort of food and initially we thought we were going to a stall for lunch but at last we decided to drive up for two hours (quite far from where we were eh). I rang up my sister and asked her to cook for lunch. About 1PM we arrived and all the food were cooked and served on the table. We stayed there for a night and had a blast on her karaoke set! Singing and dancing like mad!

A poem: Someone

Here's another poem I wrote weeks after the first one you've read yesterday. I'm not a poet but I do like write a poem when I'm down. It feels like I'm telling people about how I feel but in a different form. So enjoy the poem...

Title: Someone

There was someone,
Someone who used to live in the darkness,
A life that he wish he never had,

It has been many years,
Since he used to live with little lamps,
In a little bamboo house,
The house held thousands of stories about someone,
But he feels it was like yesterday,

Someone used to live with nothing left,
His belongings were burnt out,
He had to work as a stone collector,
To carry out his life through the darkness,

Someone used to work,
From dawn till the sun disappeared,
With little rice in his worn out bag,
For a little money,

His little body was tired,
Slept on the bamboo floor every night,
Woke up before the dawn came.

After woken up by many unexplainable dreams,
Hoping to get another Ringgit in the next day,
Someone was a warrior,
In the battle of his family,
Those who failed will fall,
Those who escaped will live,

His dad always wanted to kill him,
Either with a hatchet or motorbike,
But he was strong and unbeatable,
He never wanted to be defeated,
By the hatchet held by another warrior,
He escaped every single attempt

Someone used to cry,
When he got to know he was different,
He was adopted in the family,
He never knew his real parents,
But he hoped it wasn't true.

Someone used to run deep inside the jungle,
When he was sad and cried under a tree,
He wished the tree could talk to him,
Though he knew it was just a dream,

When the pouring rain came,
Someone used to save his books,
Putting them in a plastic bag,
Because he knew,
The bamboo house was not able to protect his books.

Someone had a dark life,
Darker than when he was walking in the jungle at night,
under the moon light,
He had to go through it,
Though sometimes he lost his way,
But he kept awake and walking,

Because he knew at the end of the jungle,
There was a little bamboos house which will give a shelter to someone.


P/s: This is another poem illustrates about the blog owner

A poem: A little boy

I've written this poem in Dec 2011 when I was feeling so dawn about my life.
It was about 2 Am in the morning and couldn't sleep. So I grabbed a pen next to my bed and a piece of paper then started writing something. This has several versions until I cut off some unnecessary stanzas and finalised it. So here's the final version.

Title: A little boy

There was a man,
Who used to run and walk in the jungle,
Every morning and afternoon
Together with squirrels, monkeys, butterflies and sometimes a snake

He used to live with a little lamp,
In a little house made from bamboos,
He used to run away deep in the jungle,
To save his life from the roughness of his drunk brother and father,
Then he had to crawl back to the house to get back his things,
Before setting off to school through the jungle with empty stomach

When he had a chance,
He went to a shop and stole pencils, books, sharpener and sometimes sweets,
He never wanted to do that,
He knew it was wrong to do that,
But then he had no choice,
Or he would never be where he is at the moment

He used to cry when he lost his pencil,
It was hurt more than when he was ill,
He adored every single thing in his bag,
Though the bag was old but he appreciated it

When he was a little boy,
He never had what he wanted,
He liked chocolates,
Cost too much to afford them,
He had to steal them

When he was a boy,
He never had new shoes and uniforms when a new term began,

The pupils used to laugh at him because of his poorness,
The other villagers used to laugh at him because he always wore the
same old uniform to go to school,
He was down, but he was strong in his world

Sharp at 12.40 in the afternoon,
The moment he had waited for since the dawn,
He ran out of the class and excited going back at home,
He was hungry and thirsty,
He stopped at the little stream and took his bottle,
Filled it up and drank it.

He liked carbonated drinks,
That day it cost 1 ringgit but it was a lot of money for him,
He never had it and he really wanted to know how it tasted,
One day he was walking to the shop,
There was a bus passing him though,

One of the people on the bus threw a carbonated drink cane out of the bus,
He ran to get the can and found out there was some left inside the can,
With a thirsty throat he drank it and he was over the moon,
He thought it was so delicious and loved it so much

He knew when he got back at home,
He will end up with rice and nothing else,
Maybe some salts or black sauce,
Or something very little in the can.

He collected snails from the river or maybe some eatable leaves from the jungle,
For his lunch to be eaten with rice

His childhood was a life,
A life with not a single challenge,
But many challenges to build him,
To be someone stronger and tougher,
Although he fell, dropped and slipped many times.

Crossing the bridge of life,
But he woke up and kept walking with no one,
Even his body was tired,
But the flame of his spirit was always on,
Because he knew nobody would be with him but himself....

P/s: It's a true story of someone...

If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time

I lost this song for 5 years and at last i managed to find this song on Youtube and i don't know i just suddenly managed to recall the title of this song. Don't you think it is so nice if we have the ability to turn back the time? Then i am sure there is no imperfect in this world. If this is the case then i am sure everything i do gonna be prefect. Yeah? Because all the mistake we've done can be corrected then the result would be perfect!!!!! In technology we can turn back the time especially in computer because it has UNDO utility but not in human's world. I mean in the reality. Once you've done it means you did it.

All i can say in my very post today is.....if i could turn back the hands of time i never felt the feeling of broken hearted. And of course my heart will never be stabbed.