Saturday, 14 February 2015

Valentine's Day: It's Over Just Before It Came

Hey it's Valentine's those who have the plan to celebrate it then go on. For those who don't have the plan then or maybe just not in a position to celebrate it..perhaps best to say we are in the same boat? Somebody used to say this to me before "It's over just before it came "...Adele is indeed correct in this when she said sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead!Therefore here I am writing...

Everything I know about love and pain
I learn from you..
I thought you were my only one as you used to say
I thought you were my last as we have promised
You've showed me lurve as well as lust
You've showed me happiness as well as sadness
You gave me hope as well as rope

I wish I've built a lego house
So if there was a mistake I can just destroy and rebuild it 
But it wasn't cuz I've build a concrete house...

Thank you for the permanent scars
They are all open and bleeding
If it wasn't because of you
I wouldn't have had the plan to take away my life
But you've made me to plan for it
..and I have planned for it
..I've come too far in it
..I've tried to carry on walking
..But it's getting too heavy
..I'm just too tired to walk through it
..When the right time comes it's time to go
..It's all set up, all ready just waiting for the time
Thank you for breaking my heart into pieces
Thank you making it bleeding
Thank you for making me cry
But the most important is
Thank you for the memory that hurt me the most
....and will be forever remembered .....

Jungle Boy,
..........still not sure why does it have to be me, but somebody has to be in it and it seems to be me

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Valentine's Day: Time to delete all of those memories

Well, here I am again...writing another post about what most people have experienced. It's almost Valentine's day. Well done for those who are partnered and huge congratulations to those are are married (I mean happily married LOL!). I am in the vgvLab at the moment monitoring my experiment while it's running. Spotted an error just now and quickly fixed it. I knew there must be some but I didn't expect that part.

Well...while monitoring the progress of this bloody experiment after about an hour it kind of boring (i mean really) because all I can is numbers and code I thought let me see some photos taken on my mobile in the last three or even four months. Well, you know what..those many of them. It's like every single folder there are a few photos which I really hate. Breaks my heart..almost dropped tears but hey...I need to be strong. I mean really's not the end of my life..I have lots of things to think about other than my memories.

I cried not because of the split up because the lies. Just too much lies. The more I think about it..the more I try to remember every single word and promise..the more I hurt and the more i realise, they were all bullshits. All of those things just make me sick! So I decided to delete all of those pictures...I don't've lied just so much just too many's time to move on in my point of view...this time Paloma was spot on when she said 'only love can hurt like this'...but life is too short and remember we only live here once. So make the most of it :-)

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

I was careless

Hello all..hope you guys are doing well. had been really complicated in the last four or probably three months here. There were so many things happened to me which involved mix of emotions from black and blue. First of all, after what had happened recently, I don't think I can finish my phd by June though I'm still hoping I can submit my thesis to my external examiner by June.  I might finish  in September 2015 which is about 3 months later than my plan. Well, it's really is hard to say but let's see anyway.

Back to the original purpose of this post....when I had the first cut years ago it was really really hurt. James Blunt was spot on in his song when he said the first cut is the deepest. Indeed! But I've learned something which I hope could be used in my future life. Then since that I have been really careful and thought I did pretty well until last year back in September/Oct.

The book started with such a nice chapter with loads of promising happiness. Who doesn't want a happiness in life? Everyone does! Yeah...I jumped into it without thinking twice. I thought it would be my ultimate happiness and I was ready to invest everything in physically, mentally and emotionally. I have to say my brain was wise enough (not that i'm a genius LOL!) warned me and of course he did warn me several times. But you know what? I was so damn idiot for not believing my brain. Well, in all fairness, I did believe him but because I have fallen too deep trying to soar up seemed a bit too late that time. I pretended and played the clown to hide all the doubts but all of them came out eventually.

Yeah, I was broken and dumped by someone who I thought I could spend the rest of my life. It was so hard and painful. That time I insisted James Blunt was wrong in his song. No...the first cut wasn't the deepest in my case. I blamed myself for being careless. I should have learned about it I should have known all the doubts and clues. I thought I brain did shout it to me. But I was careless or maybe just stub born. I don't know....I'm still a bit blur but I know and always believe time is the best healer and the best medicine. But one thing for sure is I will always remember it. I will always keep it in mind for what I have been through. I will always remember all the pains caused. Yes i was happy...yeah...they were all just illusions. You were strong that time and i wasn't. You knew what you wanted in life and you led me according to your plan. Then you realised it wasn't that easy to bend me to fit  your plan (at least I won one section in your game).

Now...I have nothing to say..I shut of mouth made deep scars and you opened them. They are all bleeding. You can go ahead..and tell your past what you have done. Yeah tell them my unconditional love is something impossible for you. Tell them you have tried (although you didn't) but it didn't work. Tell them all the lies you used to tell me. You gave me something which i will remember for the rest of my life. I was happy but now my heart is broken....I probably will remember this for so many many years if not the rest of my life because I was so badly hurt you (not even sure why I'm still alive...maybe it happened for something better? Who knows!)

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