Thursday, 8 March 2012

A memory in Scotland: My long journey

It has been a long week and very tiring ones for me. After a great tense on my brain for many months I've been waiting for something uncertain at last a great news received last week from the university. My proposal has been received and won one of the six departmental scholarships. Maybe I was just lucky or maybe because my proposal was really good or maybe not many proposals were competing with mine. Whatever the reason was, I don't care all at as long as I got the scholarship.

Anyway, the picture was taken back in Scotland last year. One thing I really remember that time my toe bled and I was so bloody busy with my web scripting project. Another memory is the weather was so bloody bad and as we were approaching the summit the snow was getting thick and thicker. I remembered at one point about 15 minutes to the top the snow was very thick up to my knee and I slipped. It was a very scary moment because I slipped away about 15 meters form my other friends. I used my ice axe tried to stop from slipping away but it didn't work. Luckily a friend of mine just saw me and I just managed to grabbed it. Phewww!!!! Thanks God!

Last night I looked some of my pictures on my laptop. Make me thinking still a long way to go before I could start my career journey. Looking at this picture it made me think that I was pointing out how far would I need to walk or even run?

I don't know but I need to stay focus on doing my PhD first and then maybe would do a post doctorate research. Mmmmm...I am tired planning my future. But the most important thing is I hope I will never feel tired doing what I've planned.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

I knew I would hurt you BUT..

I knew I would hurt you but I never meant to do it. I am just on my own in my world paddling my rotten boat crossing the journey of river life. I sometimes drawn but not quite because I just managed to reach my paddle and rotten boat. Get back on the old boat and continue the journey doing the same thing, paddle and again and again. I'm not sure when I will arrive at my destination but I hope it won't take too long.

I'm sorry...because I never told you about the truth of me. I wanted to tell you but if I stop lying I'll just disappoint you. Because I loved, I didn't want to hurt you and I didn't want you to cry for me. All I want was to make you happy when we were together. I always wanted to do the best for you but and always wanted to be the best but I always failed to show it or even to make it happened. I cried and screamed but nobody could ever hear me even to see it.

I'm sorry because I've told you so many lies when we were together. I was so afraid of loosing you if I told you the truth. I tried to hide what had happened and tried to keep all the secrets of mine. I can't let you know or I knew I would lose you that time. If I lost you later at least I had spent a bit longer time with you.

I'm sorry because I didn't tell you that I would hurt you one day because I knew it would happen but please remember because at least you we had great times together which will be always remembered. Don't forget those moments because they are so beautiful and although they never grow anymore but at least it would stay there till the our last breaths.

I'm sorry again because I hurt you....

Monday, 5 March 2012

Love could ruin your whole life journey

Love is just a single word contains only four alphabets but could change the whole world of someone. I first time fell in love when I was 16 years old. That was back in my old school at a rural area in Sabah. The relationship lasted only 2 years before we were separated by hundreds miles with two different places. I started to enjoy the meaning of love since that time although it was hurt when it didn't work at all. It was confusing when it slipped from what you've planned.

Love is dangerous when you keep it in your head because it will control your whole life. The truth is people think and make decision use their brain and when your brain is controlled by Love you would be someone who would face loads of disappointments. When a love is in your head all the time you would fall in love with someone easily or you would be in a zig zag world which has lots of uncertainties.

I've experienced many situations just like you did or maybe just in a different situations but the end result would be the same which was disappointment or in a romantic word called as broken heart. I used to be so much in love with someone but it didn't stay long as we wished. It went down just when it started to bloom. I never thought I could be as hurt as that and never knew it was so painful till it put tears on my eyes. I was crying listening to the last voice on phone and that time I knew I would not going back anymore. I knew I will just continue my new journey. It was so painful till the next time I had it again.

This time it was more painful and made me think the truth of James Marisson's song titled "the first the deepest". It doesn't matter because the main thing is I lost my love again. I used to loved it so much but this time the destiny didn't allow us to be together. I had prayed to God but He answered that's not my best path of life. I was hurt again but I stayed strong even though the strength didn't stood longer and slipped sometimes.

Because of love I've learned so many things in life I raised and down, cried and laughed, sometimes felt funny with life. But then because of love it gave me something that I never thought I would get it. But the most notable, love changes my plan which makes me struggle in life. I just hope in the future all what I'm doing now would give me some rewards.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Dr.Jungle is now in dilemma

After a long thought I suddenly feel like I don't want to do a PhD. At the moment I am still kind of considering whether I should take up the PhD offer or not. I am still very much in dilemma shall I take the offer or leave it at the moment and reconsider to further my study later when I am financially stable. I am the youngest in my family which make most people think that I have less responsibilities toward my family or maybe other things. I am actually have a huge task on my shoulders which I need to do. As for instance, I need to start thinking about my financial side for my future. In fact, my parents are expecting me to help them financially. Those matters make me think hundreds of time about the PhD offer. Up to my age, compared to most of my friends I probably one of the poorest on financial side which make me think that I should be start earning now. Other than that, I kind of a bit worry about my capability to do a PhD. Am I really qualify to do that? Holding a first class master degree doesn't mean that I am good enough to accomplish a PhD because those levels are so different like the blue sky and the ocean.

Between desire and ability they are too different things. Sometimes you have the desire want to do it without knowing your ability. Are you capable enough to do it or it's just your desire drives you want to do it? I don't want to be trapped in this situation. I don't want to do a PhD because of my desire but I want to do it because I want to do it and have the ability to do it. They must come together simultaneously. For me both of them are like a chain and they are connected each other. If one broke then the other one would not work.

Having said that I was thinking the future side of mine that PhD probably is the best platform for me to boost up my career. The fact is I love teaching and at the same time doing research. By looking at my interests, a lecturer position suits me perfectly. To be a well qualified lecturer I would need to get a PhD qualification. This would give me a better chance to get the position and a better salary. Anyway, at the moment I am still in dilemma whether I should take up the offer or not because of the reasons given above.

What do I really want in my life? I want a better life in a future but how to get it and how do we define a better life is very subjective.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

My nephew's 3rd birthday

Helloooo..a long hello from me eh. Actually just last week was my three years old nephew's birthday. So basically I accomplished another task! Well, cooking of course. As usual I did the cooking part and I also needed to do the shopping buying all the ingredients. But that time was bloody tiring because I just got back from Ranau and drove about 2 hours back to mum's house. Huh!!!!! then off to do some shopping for some groceries and started the cooking sharp at 5PM because the party needed to be started at 7PM. I had about 2 hours and decided to cook just a few dishes. I was bloody tired and yeah I cooked just about five different dishes.

I'm going to bed now folks! Bye for now....see you again tomorrow.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Sister's 34th birthday

Different dishes eh..

Lots of food

Happy birthday sis!
Those pictures were taken last January. It was my youngest sister's birthday who is 7 years old older than me. I should have posted them a few days after the birthday's celebration. It was just a simple celebration but guess what? Lots of food! Yeah because we looked different dishes. Initially, on paper plan it suppose to be only four different dishes but then when all the ingredients arrived my brain was like a chef so creative mixing up like "composing" a new recipe. After about two hours in the kitchen I came out with almost 10 different dishes and they were surprised with what I've cooked. They looked at the food and say "What the Heck!!". I never thought I could do that in two hours time. If you don't believe it then take a look at the dishes served on the tables and count it.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Department Overseas Scolarship Offer from University of Wales

I have been waiting this for such a long time. I flew to the UK up to Wales for 2 weeks just because I was hoping to get the scholarship to fund my PhD course at the university. I traveled almost 13K kilometers crossing many countries to have a discussion with Prof.Reyer regarding to my PhD research topic. After almost two weeks I managed to compose pre proposal of 1000 words. My pre-proposal was in a tough competition for almost 3 months and I almost couldn't sleep every night thinking about it. I was pretty confident that my proposal was good enough but I wasn't sure how good my proposal is compared to many other proposals from oversea students. All i did was my best. For two weeks in the UK last year in Autumn, I was so tense and in stress because I was doing something very original. That wasn't the issue actually because my main concern was I was doing something very new and I had very little (almost nothing) knowledge about the research that I'm going to do.

Well, you may ask why the heck do I want to do something that I never knew. The answer is very simple because the university only wanted to fund oversea students those who are interested to do the department's research interests. Since e-Learning wasn't on the list, I had to pick another research and the nearest to my interest was medical imaging (computer science) followed by computational biology. Last summer in 2010, I had a chance meeting with Prof.Price and Dr.Amanda who is in the filed of Computational biology and Medical Imaging respectively.

I wasn't sure whether what I wanted to do is in which field. I explained to both of them that I would like to create a software which is able to detect a cancer development based on the patient's medical history. I like to do this based on medical images. That's sound great huh but I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted to do and how exactly I will do it. So everything was all over the place that time. Huh...

Anyway, many things have been discussed and now I am on my way to do it. Greato!!!

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