After a long thought I suddenly feel like I don't want to do a PhD. At the moment I am still kind of considering whether I should take up the PhD offer or not. I am still very much in dilemma shall I take the offer or leave it at the moment and reconsider to further my study later when I am financially stable. I am the youngest in my family which make most people think that I have less responsibilities toward my family or maybe other things. I am actually have a huge task on my shoulders which I need to do. As for instance, I need to start thinking about my financial side for my future. In fact, my parents are expecting me to help them financially. Those matters make me think hundreds of time about the PhD offer. Up to my age, compared to most of my friends I probably one of the poorest on financial side which make me think that I should be start earning now. Other than that, I kind of a bit worry about my capability to do a PhD. Am I really qualify to do that? Holding a first class master degree doesn't mean that I am good enough to accomplish a PhD because those levels are so different like the blue sky and the ocean.
Between desire and ability they are too different things. Sometimes you have the desire want to do it without knowing your ability. Are you capable enough to do it or it's just your desire drives you want to do it? I don't want to be trapped in this situation. I don't want to do a PhD because of my desire but I want to do it because I want to do it and have the ability to do it. They must come together simultaneously. For me both of them are like a chain and they are connected each other. If one broke then the other one would not work.
Having said that I was thinking the future side of mine that PhD probably is the best platform for me to boost up my career. The fact is I love teaching and at the same time doing research. By looking at my interests, a lecturer position suits me perfectly. To be a well qualified lecturer I would need to get a PhD qualification. This would give me a better chance to get the position and a better salary. Anyway, at the moment I am still in dilemma whether I should take up the offer or not because of the reasons given above.
What do I really want in my life? I want a better life in a future but how to get it and how do we define a better life is very subjective.