Friday, 24 February 2012

I'm like an owl waiting for something with uncertainty

Picture was taken at my mum's house

Months, days, hours...all have gone and I am still waiting for it but never came out. I have wasted many months of my life. I've done a few big mistakes last year which I shouldn't do but I was so focus and ambitious to achieve my dreams till I forgot one simple thing caused my whole life changed from my plan. I didn't realise it until when I looked back I realised I wasn't on my storyboard which I have created years ago. I quickly checked back on my lists and managed to find the faults. I am now struggling to get back on track although I knew this is the most difficult part of the stage.

Years ago, I knew this could be one of the possible situations I need to go through but I didn't give it a big attention because looking at my storyboard analysis it had very small percentage. I almost just ignored it till a few days ago I realised that I'm in it and find it very difficult to walk. I didn't regret furthered my study in England because this was one of my big dreams of my life which I always wanted to do and now I have ticked and rounded it on my list of things I want to do in life. Step by step I achieved most of my dreams although once in 2003 my plan had slipped again from the path I have planned. I was in sadness for months and I thought to myself I wasn't good enough to be like the rest of my friends. I kept blaming myself for being so ambitious until in Nov 2003 something came out and it seemed like a new life had begun.

My plan had destroyed and I had to re-plan my life again. Everything went well! until I finished my degree and went up to Penang. I worked at there and my plan went smoothly. I then flew up to a big city of London to find a new challenge of my life although I knew lots of uncertainly ahead me. Before I flew to London I said to myself that I will fight for every single challenge come to my life. Almost two years in England, I did lots of things with lots of experience. Bad and good, up and down, laughter and sadness all were there.

In 2011, I knew I was going to do a big mistake in my life. God had whispered to me to make a decision as soon as possible but I was stubborn to carry it on with me. I was happy with what I was doing although I knew I shouldn't do that. Months I've been doing the same thing not my intention but I was trapped in the middle of dilemma and my plan. Maybe because I was trying to get back on my initial plan which I have created many years ago. I saw a chance at there and I thought I could do it but I was wrong or maybe God didn't want me to go back to my plan. He knows better!

After I finished my study and received a first class master degree I started to continue my journey again. Initially I wanted to find a job in the UK and was planning to stay longer at there. Do some savings and later of my life eventually I would like to open a business. Weeks after I finished my master degree I had to present my master's dissertation at the International conference in Brighton. I took the challenge and I'm glad because I did it well. During that time one of my plans did not work. I started to worry but I quickly made a plan B. Still didn't work. I made several plans C,D,E and F! All didn't work because everything was like a chain. If one is broken the rest would be unreachable.

Later of last year, I decided to take the last option which is the last plan and I never thought I could be taking this one! I am now on it trying very hard to do it, waiting with a big hope though I knew it has a great uncertainty. I keep waiting on a brittle branch like an owl looking at the moon to come down as a dream. Every night and day I sing, I cry and I laugh but I would never knew what would be the end. All I'm doing now is waiting and hope the brittle branch won't break before the dream come true.

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